Pre teen Behaviour & Development
Pre teens, tweens & older children are still aware of the rules and boundaries however they are finding out about respect and power. They have been to school for a few years and know there are different adults with different powers, the head teacher is more powerful than a teacher, the policeman is more powerful than the school and this translates into home. Sometimes this can work well, they can respect you, know you work hard and they see you create a good environment for children to do well in. On the other hand, they now want to understand their power and respect and exercise this by pushing boundaries and different behaviours. We need a different approach to dealing with this age group. We are not quite at the teenager negotiation stage but also we don’t have the ability to force them to listen when we say something.
As they get into the older pre teen stages they start to become more involved with their peers, friendships are great and their social awareness is becoming more and more engaged. They want a phone and that brings a whole world of questions and thoughts with access to the internet and as a parent our inability to monitor that world is scary. When you feel the time is right for a pre teens mobile phone we suggest laying the ground rules, software and routines early. If they haven’t got the phone yet then it can be a bit easier to set everything in place, however even if they have had the phone for a while the rules surrounding it can still be put in place successfully and respectfully. Screen time and mobile phones are great to keep up with your peers, get in touch with you and in this case a great tool for effective discipline.
Gemma was the greatest child outside the house. The teachers gave her lots of praise and other adults would say what a pleasure she was. Indoors was a different story, she would ignore me at home and would tell lies and put me down, Chores were done but only if I nagged and nagged. Dinner would have to be done to her liking, I would tell her but I would get lies or shouted at. She was too young to be a teen but she was definitely pushing my buttons. We used 123 magic and other approaches and she would be lovely if she was getting something but we would just mill along and get through each day. She begged for a mobile and she got it for her 10th birthday, a bit of peer pressure from her friends and she wanted to go out by herself so i thought at least she could phone me. Well how wrong was I, after the initial excitement, Gemma was on her phone texting friends, youtube and the games, the stupid games.
It was great for a while, the shouting lesson but she was always on her phone and she knew what to do, it was passworded and I was locked out of her world. I’d confiscate it but after a day or two of her being nice she’d be back to her rude self. I would send her to her room without her phone but she would roll her eyes, if i cried she would laugh. I knew i wanted her to have a better a childhood than me but it wasn’t turning out like that. I phoned up Parenting Commandos and we discussed everything. It was hard to hear, I needed the power in the house, I needed the respect and I needed to be the adult. They really helped, I confiscated the phone and when Gemma had calmed down Parenting Commandos came round and help me set up the family controls, timers for bedtime, certain apps and the ability to lock it from my phone, I was walked through the process of how to do it all. Gemma hated Parenting Commandos and me for a few days. After it had been on her phone for a week we all got together again for a meeting and we made a review of the house rules as a family. Everyone knew where they stood, obviously it couldn’t cover everything but it was great. I could trust her to go on her phone, lock it for chore time and bedtime. I had some control back which led to respect and most importantly a happier home. 3 weeks with Parenting Commandos and if I need advice again I’ll be calling them straight away.
Joanna ( North Berwick)
Tween’s behaviour can be bad or good, a lot is relative to your situation, home rules and environment. Fighting in school is common and the toddler you once could pick up is now older, stronger and more aware of what they can do. How to deal with your pre teen pushing boundaries, not respecting the time to be home and spending all their time on the screen are regular requests we get. Each family is different so we use a different approach each time. We don’t judge, we do help. It is so much better to get in touch earlier and we can assist you before the teenage years and issues start to manifest themselves.
A lot of behavioral diagnoses happen in this age group. ADHD, ODD and DMDD are formal diagnoses that need a different approach to parenting. Sometimes the diagnosis helps and the whole family can get support. We can support you through this and help with the skills a parent needs as well as the child. If you think you need a diagnosis, read our mental health page and see your school representative and GP to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. The waiting list can be very long. Don’t be discouraged, we are here to help.
We work with the family, parent, child or a combination depending on what your situation is. We maintain confidentiality between each family member and will not be able to disclose everything a child or a parent talks to us to other parties, we encourage everyone to talk to each other and understand this may happen at a different time for each person. Every family has a unique approach to parenting and a different set of values, we are here to compliment what works and assist in changing what needs to be changed.
